You know when people say "Just treat yourself like someone you love/your best friend"? Yeah, that shit is HARD! I have an alternate idea; treat yourself like an animal! Really.
Soooo... I am single and ready to mingle. Hi boys! I've been single for about 18 months now. I got out of a six year relationship with a wonderful person who was not the right one for me. I started dating about eight months after we broke up and I gotta tell you, it's been a bit of a shitshow. (laugh cry emoji!).
Seven years ago, when I was dating previously, I didn't really have high self-esteem. I was getting there, with my confidence, but I wasn't really there, and so dating was actually really easy because I would go on a date with any motherfucker that sent me a message. Even if the message was like, "Hey girl," or just, "Hey." I'd be like, "Be still my beating heart. I think we got Prince Charming on the line." So I'd go on a date with them and they'd be like really not a right fit, and still I wouldn't run for the hills. I'd say to myself, "Well, we'll see how it goes."
Went on lots of dates with unsuitable people and when someone was even slightly suitable, I would be like, "Oh my God. I'm probably going to marry this guy." It was lucky that I ended up with the guy that I did actually because he's a nice. But it was lucky because I could have ended up with whoever looked at me basically. Which is sad. Right?
So now when I get these messages from the same types of people like, "Hey," I'm just like, "No. I'm fucking amazing. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm a goddess". I've got really high standards now. I'm not interested in people who are not going to make the effort, who don't realize that I am a queen.
Obviously sometimes you don't know, you can't really tell what someone is like until you meet them. If we exchange some messages, I'll give people a little bit of leeway because you never know. So I have said "no" to so many dates it's really interesting. I find it really interesting that I'm listening to what my intuition is telling me. So my intuition will say, "Victoria, I don't think we like him," and my brain will be like, "Give him a chance. You never know." - the old less confident version of myself. Then the confident one will be like, "Bitch. No. Don't go on a date with him." So I often don't go on a date.
I haven't had a date in four months now. But next week I'm going speed-dating so we shall see how that goes. If you are fat and dating, then good luck to you. When I was fat and dating and had low self-esteem, I would, yeah, just say "yes" to any old Tom, Dick, or Harry that would come along because I was like, I thought, "I'm lucky that they're overlooking this fatness because really I'm repulsive. So if they are a bit weird in the bad way, or if they are not the best person, then well who am I to turn them down because I'm fat." No. That was such wrong thinking. That was such wrong thinking.
Now people are lucky to even go on a date with me. "Oh my God. Have you seen me?" That is the same attitude that you should have. So no matter if you're fat, thin, tall, short, whatever, people are lucky to have a date with you because they get access to an incredible person, and it doesn't matter if you're fat because you're a fucking queen.
So if you would like some more advice about how to feel confident in your body and love yourself, then head on over to my free Extreme Confidence Makeover, a 10-day ecourse just for you, and the link is below.
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Some of you may know that I used to be in an abusive relationship. When I was 17, I met a 30-year old and began a two-year relationship with him that was abusive. There's something that Lisa Nichols says (She is this incredibly strong, powerful woman who also used to be in an abusive relationship) that really resonates with me; is that you don't just decide you want to be in an abusive relationship. You're not just like, what I want from life? I know! I want to be with a real dickhead! It doesn't happen like that.
It's small decisions that happen time and again. Obviously, I wanted to be with some prince charming type, an incredible person and to begin with, that kind of was what it was like. The red flags that should have said to me run for the hills, girl, I ignored because I had low self-esteem. Now, this is my experience, it's not necessarily everyone's experience but because of my low self-esteem, when there was a red flag, I was just like, don't worry about it.
The fact that he was 30 and I was 17. He would say little things that now I would have been like, "Get the fuck out of here", but at the time I was just like "Oh, yeah, he's probably right". Things like he wouldn't date anyone who wasn't a virgin or had only had sex with like one or two people, like creepy as fuck, right? At the time I was just like well, I am a virgin so I'm just attractive to him because of that.
I was in a difficult situation at the time. I was 17 and I was homeless and this guy who was older came along and I was thinking "Oh my God, all my dreams have come true", so I was in a vulnerable situation. It was just little decisions like not confronting him or leaving him or saying anything if he said something weird like that or abusive.
From the time we met each other, I would spend every single day with him. I don't think we spent a day apart for at least the first couple of months, and within a couple of months, I had moved in with him and his elderly mother. Terrible situation. He'd start saying things like, "You need to wash more. You need to wash your clothes more. You kind of stink." I'd be like, oh, well this is coming from a place of love because obviously, if I do stink then you'd want your partner to tell you, right?
"Oh, you should maybe buy some more clothes" or "Do you really want to go to that party?". Like little things and now if anyone said any of this stuff to me, like I said, I'd be like get the fuck out of here loser, but at 17 with low self-esteem, I couldn't see that. All these little things added up to be one day looking around and being totally emotionally physically abused by this guy.
Towards the end, I was actually in quite a lot of physical danger. That's what happens a lot of times with abusive relationships, especially when I was starting to leave the abusive relationship. Because I had such low self-esteem, I thought no one else is going to want me and on top of that, he would tell me, "Would anyone else want you? I mean, you're so disgusting. Your body is just hideous."
He would look at my body and say things like, "What is wrong with you? Why is your body like this? What's wrong with your breasts? What's wrong with your stomach? What's wrong with your legs?" I'd have to explain them to him. Isn't that fucked? Obviously, any self-esteem I did have when I entered the relationship was completely wiped out but I had this tiny little flame inside of me that said you need to get out of there, girl. So I did and I left him and it was a big difficult scary thing but I did and it took a couple of years.
Before I was in an abusive relationship, I would have said, "Why don't people just leave? I mean, God, if someone's being mean, just leave them." But it's not as easy as that because you don't just decide one day to make a decision to be with an abusive person. "I think that I'm worthless and I think that this person is kind of the right level for me." It doesn't happen like that. It'd be little things and then there'll be good things in the meantime, and then another little thing, and then more good things, and another little thing.
You're in above your head before you know it and it's so hard to leave. It's really dangerous to leave. That's when most women are most vulnerable and will get murdered, will get attacked, when they leave. Saying to someone, "Just leave," you're asking them to risk their life, literally. If you know anyone who's in an abusive relationship, just be there for them. Just try and give them a safe haven if you can. Tell them that they can come round at any time. Just listen to them if they do talk about their partner with you and just say, "You know, that's not right." Just in case they don't know.
A lot of times I didn't know that you shouldn't be afraid to eat food around your partner because of the criticism that you'd get. I didn't know that you should be terrified all the time and if someone was just like, "That's not right, you know? I'm not telling you what to do, but you know you can always come around here if you need to."
If they do want to leave then be there for them. It could just be, "Hey, do you want to hang out? Hey, come around mine. Hey, do you want to go to the movies?" Whatever. Or just listening to them and not being judgmental, so not being like, "Oh, thank God you're away from that fucking loser. He was such a dick." Because it's complicated, right?
If you would like more confidence into your brain, then sign up for my free e-course, Extreme Confidence Makeover then click here.
Last year Americans spent $66 billion dollars on trying to become thinner. What if we spent less time, money and energy on the pursuit of thinness and instead focused on the things that actually matter? What if we could learn to love our bodies exactly as they are today? Fat, thin, tall, short, mullet-sporting or leopard print thong wearing; we are all worthy and fabulous.
I have a video on YouTube “Are You Fatphobic and Don’t Know It?”.
The dislikes on the video far outweigh the likes. Obviously, right?! When a fat person talks about fatphobia the trolls come out to play.
"Should you be eating that much food?" - Your Mother
"New Year, New You! Time to get that bikini body!" - Dumb advertisement
"Oh, you've put on weight!" - Weird Uncle Keith
The Holiday season is rife with body and fat shaming, not to mention the "New Year, New You" garbage we hear come Jan1st. But don't worry, pickle, I have the solution to overcome the madness!
Come join me and three other badass body positive babes for an evening of festive fun and body positivity frolics!
THE BYE BYE HOLIDAY BULLSHIT SHINDIG!
- Monday December 18th: 7pm - 9.30pm
- 175 West Hastings Street, Vancouver, BC, Canada (Bean Around The World)
- Price: $40
- Speakers! Prizes! Drinks! Games! Patriarchy smashing!
We will have a panel discussion, story telling, fun festive (and patriarchy smashing) games, group discussions, booze, laughs and prizes. AND most importantly a shame free zone where you don't have to dress up, make awkward small talk with relatives or socialise your partners boss!
Come dressed however you damn please, ugly sweater, pajamas, leggings with holes, glitter onesie...because it's your body and your rules, dammit!
In our society fat is seen as bad. Being fat is worse than someone who doesn’t indicate while changing lanes, worse than being a bad tipper, worse than being someone who tries to get on the train before you get off. Why is this? Why is fat demonized? I was determined to find out!
I surveyed 100 people on their views on fatness and the results were incredibly interesting
One of the badass members of my private Facebook group got shamed by a stranger in the grocery store.
"I just went to the store for lunch and picked up a bag of chips. A lady I've never met before felt it was appropriate to say "you don't need that" as I put them in my hand basket."
Confidence can be haaard. My confidence used to be in the pits of the Mariana Trench and when I was there I could see no way out, even if intellectually I knew I should “just feel better”. Check out these five things that really helped me increase my self confidence (in my mind and my body) and maybe they’ll help make you realise how freaking badass you are too!
I got an excellent question from a reader:
"I need to lose weight due to health reasons. Partly because I have thyroid-issues, but also because I am on certain medications that lead to fluid retention that is worsened due to my size.HOW IN THE WORLD do I strive towards being body positive, stopping the dieting-bullshit and accepting myself, WHILST trying to lose weight?!"